On missing Dad

No light-hearted, crafty posts tonight, so please feel free to stop reading now if you are feeling jolly.

Today is the 3rd anniversary of Dad being taken away in an ambulance. Little did we know that he would never return home. He passed away 2 weeks later in the Palliative Care Unit of our local hospital. I know that it was his time and that it finally brought an end to his suffering, but I still miss him every day and wish it could have been different. He was only 59 when he died, but he did more in those 59 years than many people do with decades more.

Dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma in March 2001. I am eternally thankful that the Canadian health care system enabled him to have a stem cell transplant which gave him 5 more years with us. When people say they have no regrets, I often wonder whether they have lost anyone close to them. Even though I saw him nearly every day after I moved back to Canada, I regret not spending more time with him, not asking him more about his thoughts, feelings, about his life before we came along. I regret every impatient, stroppy word. He could be very exasperating at times, as can I, but we didn’t clash very often. Fortunately, I have far more things to be thankful for – he lived to walk me down the garden (no aisle for us!) on my wedding day. He was still here when I took over hosting of family gatherings such as Christmas dinner and never criticized my cooking, though he thought the house was too cold! He lived to see the birth of our first daughter and was able to watch her grow from a sick little baby to an energetic, healthy, beautiful toddler. He was so very proud of her. One of the things I am most thankful for is that she still remembers visiting him, sitting on his knee with a snack and the pair of them watching Wallace and Gromit together. She still associates certain cookies with Granddad.

I have always been relatively emotional, but was unprepared for the depth of grief I experienced in the months following his death. Immediately afterwards it was actually a relief, as he was in so much pain, but couldn’t speak or move or open his eyes. I think he held on until we all had a chance to say goodbye.


~ by Pip 'n' Milly Creations on February 11, 2009.

One Response to “On missing Dad”

  1. Thinking of you at this time, Fiona. It will be 13 years this June since my Dad passed away and I still find it difficult. I have been thinking of him a lot lately, not sure if it’s because I now have a little boy who looks so much like him.

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